'Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”' Luke 9:62
I have to struggle to identify what is "giving up" and what is "giving to Him." He asks me to give Him things, but in my mind that's equal to giving it up. I don't think that's true; I think giving it to Him is being willing to give it up. At least in the case of this particular thing He's asked me to give to Him.
This particular thing that He's asked me to give up has been such a large part of my life. It's been with me ever since I can remember. I discovered tonight, as I was reminded that it's no longer mine, that I have entire trains of thought and habitual thinking patterns revolving around this thing. I based my entire life - consciously or unconsciously - around this thing.
Last night I was sitting, praying and preparing to give this all to Him, and I came to the realization that I had put my entire life on hold for this. I was waiting. Not making any decisions, not making any plans, in case it affected this thing. I wasn't living. Jesus said that He came to bring life, and life abundantly. I have hardly been living, let alone abundantly! And this thing is such a part of me - but it's been holding me back. And it's funny, because I felt like this thing was going to fulfill me.
I feel like it's such a paradox. Because God wants all of me, all of my life and He wants me to die to self - yet He wants me to live the life He's given me. It's mine. Not anyone else's. I felt him say that so clearly to me. Yet I die to myself and give Him everything. All so that He can give me life to the full.
So here lies another part of my struggle. Because this was such a huge part of me, I feel grief at the loss. Truly. But Jesus says not to look back from the plough. In my grief, am I looking back from the plough, or am I going through the process of giving it to Him? I hope the latter. God has challenged me to truly desire Him more than anything, and to give Him all of me so that there is nothing left. And I want Him more than anything else. When the rubber meets the road, I make the conscious decision to say, "Lord, I want you more than this. I want YOU more than this. I want YOU more than this!!!" I still feel pain though.
Again though, it comes back to living life abundantly through Christ. When I was praying this through, I felt joy at the understanding that God wanted to give me abundant life. There's no more bondage to those things. If I am dead to myself, then I have no more fear about my reputation, no more inhibitions, no more worries about my life - and at the very same time, my life now comes from Christ, and He only gives the best and the most. Fulfillment in Christ.
"And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?" Luke 9:23-25
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Boxes
Several people have had words for me in the last few months that I have dreams, all in boxes, and they're shoved away and shelved. There is one box, one large box, in particular, that is kind of the central box. And God is wanting me to take them off the shelves, and start to unpack them.
I have difficulties with this, for a number of reasons. First, I don't even know what some of these boxes hold anymore. It's like I've shoved them away and they've gotten enveloped into my heart and hidden, and I can't remember what they were. I've forgotten those dreams. So, how can I unpack it if I have no idea what it is?
Secondly, the only one that I really know what it is - the big box - that's not something that I have control over. Only God does. So how can I unpack it if I CAN'T unpack it?
Third, looking at and trying to unpack this big box - which seems to be the key to all these other boxes - it hurts. It's too painful to look at because it reminds me of what is out of my reach. Why would I open up this box - live with this huge dream that's yet unfulfilled and completely out of my control - only to live in constant pain? It is far easier to shove it under the bed so I don't even see it, let alone have it on a shelf where I can glance at it. I know that eventually this dream - and all of these dreams - will be fulfilled; I've already trusted God with it. But for right now, I don't want that constant reminder. What else can I do but shelve it and focus on something else?
However. God has said for me to unpack them, not shelve them. I guess part of the "how" of unpacking them comes through a) praying to find out what are in these boxes that I've forgotten about; b) praying to find out how I am supposed to unpack them...and I think that there are unconventional methods...instead of taking a direct road, more like preparing for the fulfilling of the dreams. Still hurts, but I need to walk in trust that God will do what he says and that he knows what he's doing.
I have difficulties with this, for a number of reasons. First, I don't even know what some of these boxes hold anymore. It's like I've shoved them away and they've gotten enveloped into my heart and hidden, and I can't remember what they were. I've forgotten those dreams. So, how can I unpack it if I have no idea what it is?
Secondly, the only one that I really know what it is - the big box - that's not something that I have control over. Only God does. So how can I unpack it if I CAN'T unpack it?
Third, looking at and trying to unpack this big box - which seems to be the key to all these other boxes - it hurts. It's too painful to look at because it reminds me of what is out of my reach. Why would I open up this box - live with this huge dream that's yet unfulfilled and completely out of my control - only to live in constant pain? It is far easier to shove it under the bed so I don't even see it, let alone have it on a shelf where I can glance at it. I know that eventually this dream - and all of these dreams - will be fulfilled; I've already trusted God with it. But for right now, I don't want that constant reminder. What else can I do but shelve it and focus on something else?
However. God has said for me to unpack them, not shelve them. I guess part of the "how" of unpacking them comes through a) praying to find out what are in these boxes that I've forgotten about; b) praying to find out how I am supposed to unpack them...and I think that there are unconventional methods...instead of taking a direct road, more like preparing for the fulfilling of the dreams. Still hurts, but I need to walk in trust that God will do what he says and that he knows what he's doing.
Friday, October 22, 2010
God Healed My Back!
I want to start by saying that a few years ago, God gave me a vision. He showed me a door frame with a curtain hanging from it. I was standing at the edge of this doorway. The curtain fluttered in the wind, and I saw almost like a starry night behind it. I knew that behind that curtain was so much more to/in God than I could imagine, and I knew that it would look different once I stepped through it than what it looked like from this side of the doorway. I wanted to go through that doorway, but I didn't know how.
After I got off the phone with Pastor George last year in regards to taking the youth pastor position here, I had a decision to make. I knew that if I stayed in the Lower Mainland, I could get a good job, have a great youth group and ministry, but I'd never go through that doorway. I knew that if I went to Port Hardy, God would take me through the door.
Well I have to tell you, God has taken me through that doorway. As I've told many of those who know me, my entire paradigm of how I thought God worked or didn't work got turned upside down this past year. It started with a question of "why couldn't he work like that?" and evolved to "God does work like that. In fact, he works any way he likes and I have no idea what he's going to do next."
On Tuesday, the 12th, God healed my back. You all know how much time and money I've spent on Chiropractors - my mom can attest to that. For any of you who don't know, when I was 20 I injured my back though a weekend of intense physical activity - a lot of heavy lifting, chopping wood, and a four-hour horse ride. Since then I've gone to the chiropractor in Maple Ridge, and then when I couldn't afford to keep going, stopped. I put out my back in 2008 when I was in White Rock, and again shortly after I moved to Port Hardy.
We've been having a 9-day conference focusing on healing, miracles, God's power and stuff. I have seen a deaf guy get healed, I've seen a guy walk in on two canes and at the end of the night run and dance out, without the canes, I've seen a baby's stomach get healed, I've seen people get touched with the love of Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit. My youth have been touched by God, and are now praying for people with boldness. And I myself have had some crazy encounters with God that I can't even begin to describe. One of them, like I said, was when God healed my back.
God had started something on my back on Oct 11th, Monday night, but it wasn't finished, so I went up for prayer on Tuesday night. My pastor's wife prayed for me; I went down on the floor with the power of God, and from that point on, for next hour and a half I felt like I was at a "cosmic chiropractor". My hips, which had been twisted and my left higher than my right, from my spine being out of alignment, all of a sudden moved where my right came up and my left came down. From there, God worked up my back, twisting me and arching my back, and doing what felt like to me deep chiropractic adjustments. Like I said, this went on for an hour and a half. And then he sat me up a couple times and started stretching me and rotating my back. Then he moved me into ballet stretches and warm-ups. Now, I have not taken ballet. The only dance training I've had is one year of mixed dance in grade 10, and only one unit was beginning ballet. So the girl that was filming me has taken dance for most of her life; she recognized that I was going through ballet warm-ups. Then God danced me. And I am serious when I say God danced me - I had no control over my limbs. It was like being led in a dance, only not from the outside but from the inside. I was fully aware of what was going on, just not in control. (Though I tried to control it at first, which resulted in some funny collisions with chairs and stuff. After that I yielded, and God led me in dance). I danced to music that was in the background at church, and did moves that I've never done, with a grace I have never had before. Michelle (the one trained in dance) told me later that part of the reason she knew it was God and not me was all the technical stuff, like posture and my feet/hands positions, that I couldn't possibly have known. Then, after 15 minutes of dancing, with no elevated heartrate, no sweating, no breathing hard - God did cool-down stretches and movements with me. Michelle and Caleb (who has also taken dance) said that I was doing a bar routine. At the very end, God had me pray over Michelle, and then Caleb - again, Him moving me - and Michelle told me later that I had been on point when I was praying over Caleb. Point is the most advanced position a ballerina can do - it's dancing on the very tip-toes - which I have never done. And I was in bare feet.
There's more to the story, but in a nutshell, God healed my back. And I have a video that was taken of the tail end of the healing and almost the entire dance. I've uploaded it to Youtube in two parts, both of which I am linking onto this email. I am totally amazed, still am, that God healed my back, and then danced me. It was the most incredible experience I have ever had.
After I got off the phone with Pastor George last year in regards to taking the youth pastor position here, I had a decision to make. I knew that if I stayed in the Lower Mainland, I could get a good job, have a great youth group and ministry, but I'd never go through that doorway. I knew that if I went to Port Hardy, God would take me through the door.
Well I have to tell you, God has taken me through that doorway. As I've told many of those who know me, my entire paradigm of how I thought God worked or didn't work got turned upside down this past year. It started with a question of "why couldn't he work like that?" and evolved to "God does work like that. In fact, he works any way he likes and I have no idea what he's going to do next."
On Tuesday, the 12th, God healed my back. You all know how much time and money I've spent on Chiropractors - my mom can attest to that. For any of you who don't know, when I was 20 I injured my back though a weekend of intense physical activity - a lot of heavy lifting, chopping wood, and a four-hour horse ride. Since then I've gone to the chiropractor in Maple Ridge, and then when I couldn't afford to keep going, stopped. I put out my back in 2008 when I was in White Rock, and again shortly after I moved to Port Hardy.
We've been having a 9-day conference focusing on healing, miracles, God's power and stuff. I have seen a deaf guy get healed, I've seen a guy walk in on two canes and at the end of the night run and dance out, without the canes, I've seen a baby's stomach get healed, I've seen people get touched with the love of Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit. My youth have been touched by God, and are now praying for people with boldness. And I myself have had some crazy encounters with God that I can't even begin to describe. One of them, like I said, was when God healed my back.
God had started something on my back on Oct 11th, Monday night, but it wasn't finished, so I went up for prayer on Tuesday night. My pastor's wife prayed for me; I went down on the floor with the power of God, and from that point on, for next hour and a half I felt like I was at a "cosmic chiropractor". My hips, which had been twisted and my left higher than my right, from my spine being out of alignment, all of a sudden moved where my right came up and my left came down. From there, God worked up my back, twisting me and arching my back, and doing what felt like to me deep chiropractic adjustments. Like I said, this went on for an hour and a half. And then he sat me up a couple times and started stretching me and rotating my back. Then he moved me into ballet stretches and warm-ups. Now, I have not taken ballet. The only dance training I've had is one year of mixed dance in grade 10, and only one unit was beginning ballet. So the girl that was filming me has taken dance for most of her life; she recognized that I was going through ballet warm-ups. Then God danced me. And I am serious when I say God danced me - I had no control over my limbs. It was like being led in a dance, only not from the outside but from the inside. I was fully aware of what was going on, just not in control. (Though I tried to control it at first, which resulted in some funny collisions with chairs and stuff. After that I yielded, and God led me in dance). I danced to music that was in the background at church, and did moves that I've never done, with a grace I have never had before. Michelle (the one trained in dance) told me later that part of the reason she knew it was God and not me was all the technical stuff, like posture and my feet/hands positions, that I couldn't possibly have known. Then, after 15 minutes of dancing, with no elevated heartrate, no sweating, no breathing hard - God did cool-down stretches and movements with me. Michelle and Caleb (who has also taken dance) said that I was doing a bar routine. At the very end, God had me pray over Michelle, and then Caleb - again, Him moving me - and Michelle told me later that I had been on point when I was praying over Caleb. Point is the most advanced position a ballerina can do - it's dancing on the very tip-toes - which I have never done. And I was in bare feet.
There's more to the story, but in a nutshell, God healed my back. And I have a video that was taken of the tail end of the healing and almost the entire dance. I've uploaded it to Youtube in two parts, both of which I am linking onto this email. I am totally amazed, still am, that God healed my back, and then danced me. It was the most incredible experience I have ever had.
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