"Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm." (Eph 6:13)
This week has been very much about learning to stand, having done all.
If any of you noticed, one facebook status I put up this week was "and then BAM! it comes out of left field." That's what it felt like this week. I started off very excited, fired up and inspired to do some planning for this summer and to lay down some serious plan of action. I felt like things were starting to come into place - not just in my life personally, but in the church, and in some plans I have for my department. I could see God starting to mobilize people, and like chess pieces, move things into place. I could see it.
And then, almost a day later, the first wave came. I was a little shocked, as it was a personal failure of mine regarding an issue I thought I'd dealt with a long time ago. But God had spoken to me years ago saying that my sin doesn't disqualify me from his love and I am not condemned, as I stand in His love and His blood. So I repented, rebuked the enemy, dusted myself off and kept going.
A couple days later, something else came up. I reacted badly, had a bit of a temper tantrum, got myself under control, and simmered a bit. Decided not to talk about it until I could deal with the issue. That in itself was a victory, as usually I just spew until it's a huge mess. I decided not to spew so much after the initial spewing - that it would really only make things worse.
But I was hurting. A lady in my church once gave the analogy that we are like tubes of tooth paste, and the enemy squeezes to see if there are any cracks that we will ooze out of. I felt that this was a squeeze and that it had hit a nerve (my sense of value and trust, and my reaction to spew, which causes dissension). So then I had to go back to the people I had initially spewed to and tell them I was wrong.
The next morning there was some stuff with some others going on. The lady who had told me about the toothpaste analogy pulled me aside and said, "The enemy is trying to create division and chaos." It was kind of a dose of cold water. I was like, oh, duh! All of a sudden I saw the stuff for what it was. So I then decided that I would be a thermostat, not a thermometer - not succumb to the spiritual temperature, but rather change it! I sat there over my computer and prayed that, and prayed over the situations around me, asked forgiveness for being a thermometer and asked strength to be a thermostat and not spew.
Not five minutes later, I had another situation. This was in a completely different area of my life but it still challenged my decision not to spew. Like the other situations, this was completely out of left field. My prayer fresh in my mind, I clamped my mouth shut and left - and then cried. I was going to call my mom, who I usually call to whine to, but providentially she wasn't there - and none of the others who I would call to whine to were available either. So I decided to call my prayer partner instead and ask for prayer. God bless her. All I have to say is, if you don't have a prayer partner, someone with whom there is mutual love and trust that you can call at any time and pray with...get one!!!! ESSENTIAL.
So she prayed for me, prefacing everything by saying that my decision to be a thermostat and not a thermometer was awesome and that because of that, the enemy would attack again - he looks to take down the ones that are still standing, not the ones whom have already fallen - so be on guard!! Then she prayed, and my spirit felt like it was rising up and praising God within me. After we got off the phone, I felt like I was literally blazing with the power of the Holy Spirit. I prayed up a storm - prayed into the situations around me and for covering.
For the rest of the day, I was on guard. And I felt what should have been a conspicuous lack of attack from the enemy. But the next morning, and by this time it was Saturday, there was no blatant attack...just a whispering and a nagging and a very quiet squeezing of my sense of value. I felt like I was a dog gnawing on an old bone that had nothing left on it. So I went to address the issue - a continuation of the issue I initially spewed about a few days before. And then BAM! there was the blatant hit. Only this was the worse because I knew I should have left it alone - I felt like I pursued it and opened myself wide up to the hit - and because it just attacked my sense of value even more. And challenged my decision not to spew and also my personal conviction to submit to leadership.
I came away in tears and frustration and deep hurt. You know what I do when I am mad and upset? I clean. I don't know why. I just do. So I went into my kitchen and attacked my dishes - and thought it through. I decided, once again, to submit, even if I felt like I shouldn't...which I have to tell you, is hard. And it hurts. When you feel that you're justified in what you're feeling, if not what you do (I wasn't justified in most of what I did this week!) it is so hard to submit. Jesus calls us to take up our cross, to die to self, to put others before ourselves...and I'm telling you, dying to self is hard. I decided that God was my portion and that the issue was really not half as big as I made it out to be. Thankfully, God showed me the truth of the situation and I was able to repent, and like I said, submit.
My friend was coming over, so I sat down in Elmer's office on my computer to wait for her. I was banging out an email when she came to the door. I invited her in and she replied, "God told me to bring you a gift." I looked at her and she lifted up a can of Israeli coffee, which she knows I love. I burst into tears. Not just little ones - big, heaving sobs. I thought, "God cares!!"
God had told my friend to bring me a gift. Usually I am not a gifts person - I'd much rather spend time with someone and have excellent conversation than receive a gift - but the main issue this week had been over the loss of an object, and tied into that was all sorts of value issues. So for God to impress on someone to specifically give me a gift, showed me that he saw my heart and hurts and cared about them and me. Like the song goes, "There is none like you. No one else can touch my heart like you do. I could search for all eternity long and find, there is none like you."
After that, I was able to go and apologize. Where I thought there would be anger and rubbing my nose in it, instead there was grace with that person. It's so nice to be around people who don't hold things against you.
I still felt battered after this week. The battle was over but I had some bruises. Another friend came by after work on Saturday and I was able to relay how this week went. Again, there was compassion, encouragement (not commiserating! There's a difference!!), and loads of prayers and hugs.
My pastor told me how God had once illuminated the verse I posted at the beginning. He used to have a couple of Dobermans, which he would take to the river to swim in. When the water was rushing and high, they would go swimming but he would have long extendable leashes on them. They would get into the current and get pulled along. He, being 6'2" and strong, would have to brace as hard as he could, holding onto the leashes until the dogs swung around into a back eddy, where they could finally get out of the river. If he had moved or tried to walk at all during that time, he would have gotten pulled off balance and fallen. God illuminated that verse: "having done all, to stand." Sometimes we need to simply stand against the current of the river until we get into a back eddy. This week I was bashed and bruised and sometimes knocked down by the current. But God has taught, and is still teaching me, to grab my shield of faith, brace, and stand.
So my advice: keep watch, brace, hold up that shield of faith, use the Sword of the Spirit!!! Trust God that he will deliver! Don't do anything rash or in the heat of the moment. Douse everything with prayer - yours and others'! Don't give up!
