So I recently came into acquisition pictures of myself taken 6 or 7 years ago. Complete with braces, glasses, and bushman eyebrows, I was the picture of a cute, insecure girl who had forayed into the realms of neither confidence nor style. Not that I have any great style now. I still wear hand-me-downs and clothes that I don't realize don't suit my body until a year down the road. But I'm getting better. At least I have sweet accessories.
The pictures having been taken pre-college, I was at that point 20 lbs lighter. God how I hate to say that. Here's why: like any cute, insecure girl with no style, no confidence, and bushman eyebrows, I thought I was fat.
GAH!
Ok. So I was not stick-thin like my Asian buddies. But I was no means obese, or even overweight. All of the adults around me told me, "You're not fat. When you get older, you're going to look back on pictures of yourself and think, 'Jeez I was skinny!'" I was in size 7 pants, for crying out loud!
But the point of this blog post is not to whine about how much weight I've gained since then. I mean, I'm still only in size 9 pants now. It's more to make an observation of myself and how I see myself. See, I'd look in the mirror and think about how fat I was, or how ugly I was - or at least how unpretty I was. I couldn't laugh at myself the way I can now - like how when I had braces, my lips were caught in a permanent smile due to the effort it took to close them over my protruding braces. Hahaha. My esteem wasn't helped by my @$$ of an ex-boyfriend, who gently and sweetly put his arm around me and told me he'd never have to worry about cheating on him, because I wasn't pretty enough to get someone better than him. &^%$!!!! No, all you readers out there, I didn't dump him on the spot. I didn't even kick him in the 'nads. I just took it tearfully, wondering how someone could say that, and if he said what I actually heard him say.
If I had a bf that said that to me now, I'd laugh in his face and tell him to get outta my life before the multitudes of male relatives and friends in my life beat him to death, and on his way out I'd recommend a good counselor.
But I digress.
I look at myself now, and I can recognize that my self-discipline is not where it should be; I live a far more sedentary and calorie-filled life than is healthy. However, I have also come to realize that - and here's the kicker - MY APPEARANCE DOES NOT DETERMINE MY WORTH!!
(*Trumpets and fanfare burst out, multitudes sing, "Hail, the conquering hero!"*)
On the flip-side to this, like any post-college person with less than strict discipline, I have acquired some unhealthy eating habits (Ie., sitting at the computer until all hours of the night, snacking) and therefore have also acquired the afore-mentioned 20lbs. However! Seeing myself in my size 7 state, knowing that what I did then was only a little more disciplined than now, is actually a little encouraging. >That in itself is an improvement on self esteem, ps. Instead of looking at myself with no muffin-tops and being miserable, I'm actually encouraged.< I think part of it is, for the past few years the only thing I've been seeing is my muffin-toppy self, and thinking that it's the norm for my body. In essence, I think I forgot what my body looks like when it to looks like what it's supposed to look like. lol.
So! A few weeks back a friend and I started running together. We're following the program found in The Beginning Runner's Handbook by the Sports Medicine Council of BC. If any of you have not read this book, you need to read it. It covers nutrition (not just for healthy eating but also for athletes, or those venturing into the athletic world); proper running technique; injuries and such; and most importantly emphasizes that running is as much a mental discipline as it is physical. In any case, I, a die-hard life-long running hater - have now converted to a die-hard life-long running enthusiast.
I've done this program before. Last year I trained to be in the Vancouver Sun Run. I did it in a decent time for me, especially since I previously was not a runner and also since I had to take a bit of time off when my grandfather passed away. Last time I was also attending a weekly exercise group run by my army reserve friend; this time, I have to stir up the motivation to do strength training by myself.
I digress once again. Basically, seeing myself as a size 7 reminds me to keep on with my fitness and to keep making -good- changes to my eating habits. If I do that, well maybe I won't be size 7, but I'll be a lot healthier and happier.
