The Paradox

'Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”' Luke 9:62

I have to struggle to identify what is "giving up" and what is "giving to Him." He asks me to give Him things, but in my mind that's equal to giving it up. I don't think that's true; I think giving it to Him is being willing to give it up. At least in the case of this particular thing He's asked me to give to Him.

This particular thing that He's asked me to give up has been such a large part of my life. It's been with me ever since I can remember. I discovered tonight, as I was reminded that it's no longer mine, that I have entire trains of thought and habitual thinking patterns revolving around this thing. I based my entire life - consciously or unconsciously - around this thing.

Last night I was sitting, praying and preparing to give this all to Him, and I came to the realization that I had put my entire life on hold for this. I was waiting. Not making any decisions, not making any plans, in case it affected this thing. I wasn't living. Jesus said that He came to bring life, and life abundantly. I have hardly been living, let alone abundantly! And this thing is such a part of me - but it's been holding me back. And it's funny, because I felt like this thing was going to fulfill me.

I feel like it's such a paradox. Because God wants all of me, all of my life and He wants me to die to self - yet He wants me to live the life He's given me. It's mine. Not anyone else's. I felt him say that so clearly to me. Yet I die to myself and give Him everything. All so that He can give me life to the full.

So here lies another part of my struggle. Because this was such a huge part of me, I feel grief at the loss. Truly. But Jesus says not to look back from the plough. In my grief, am I looking back from the plough, or am I going through the process of giving it to Him? I hope the latter. God has challenged me to truly desire Him more than anything, and to give Him all of me so that there is nothing left. And I want Him more than anything else. When the rubber meets the road, I make the conscious decision to say, "Lord, I want you more than this. I want YOU more than this. I want YOU more than this!!!" I still feel pain though.

Again though, it comes back to living life abundantly through Christ. When I was praying this through, I felt joy at the understanding that God wanted to give me abundant life. There's no more bondage to those things. If I am dead to myself, then I have no more fear about my reputation, no more inhibitions, no more worries about my life - and at the very same time, my life now comes from Christ, and He only gives the best and the most. Fulfillment in Christ.

"And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?" Luke 9:23-25

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10